For Caregivers, About Caregivers, By Caregivers

[alwayswondering]

Hi, I need some honest opinions/advice. I am 30 and my boyfriend of 3 months is also 30. He is one of the smartest, nicest and most respectable men I have ever met. I can't say enough about how he has blown me away. At the beginning of our relationship, he told me about his diagnosis of schizophrenia when he was 19 and still takes medication for it but said he was diagnosed with a mild case and never had hallucinations or anything like that. His problem was being paranoid about things. He honestly seems like the most "normal" and sane person I have ever met and I have never seen any symptoms of this at all. The only thing that I have noticed is that he is pretty quiet/shy around new people and he tends to sleep a lot, but every man I have ever met sleeps a lot.

I love him very much and so far this has been the best relationship I have ever been in. I am concerned though, that one day he will "snap" and change or that maybe this person I know him to be is just the medications he is taking. He takes Abilify, lexapro and wellbutrin. He has always been very open about his disease to me and I feel like we can relate to each other since I have anxiety and panic attacks and have suffered from this for years. I honestly didn't think this was a big deal since I have never seen any evidence of it, but a friend of mine said it was a very big deal and I need to take it very seriously, so I am trying to learn all that I can about it and some of what I have been reading is really scary to me.

I guess I am wondering if I am crazy for considering a future with him and I really don't know what to look for since I dont' know a lot about this disease. Sometimes he can be kind of distant and I tend to take it personally, which is hard sometimes, but it's not anything major, he just gets kind of quiet from time to time, and I tend to be quite insecure in relationships sometimes considering I have been burned by men in the past.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

Thanks

[caringgirlfriend]

Hi

I know how you are feeling that is how i felt when I first found out about my b/f's illness (see my recent post)

All i can say to you is he will push you away and it wont seem like he wants you, it is his way of dealing with things and then the next minute he will be as lovely as pie to you.

Read up on the illness I find it very helpful also talk to him about it.

When mine told me about his illness first thing I asked was would he hurt me and he said no all he would do would be to be by himself.

It isnt going to be easy you got to be strong.

I love mine to pieces but he has pushed me away, all i have to do is give him time, I guess

Good luck

[theta]

hi alwayswondering,

I don't think you're crazy at all for considering a future with your boyfriend. You may just need to be prepared for the possibility that he may not always be as well as he is now.

I think caringgirlfriend was totally right about reading about it and talking to him about it.

My partner was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder about 2.5 years ago (this is a bit like having schizophrenia and bipolar at the same time).
Her condition still has not totally stabilised, and she tends to be hospitalised several times a year.

When she is unwell, it can be very stressful, but even though her behaviour is strange, she never stops being the person that I love. I try to get her to be totally open with me about how she is feeling. When she is unwell, things are hard, but I feel that it is worth putting up with because things are wonderful for us when she is well. I guess you just need to remember that if it stops being worth it you shouldn't feel that you have to stay either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if the relationship feels right for you, go for it. But just keep in mind that if he's unwell it will be pretty stressful for you, so I think you need to consider how supportive you are likely to be able to be if this happens.

hope this has been of some help to you. Good luck either way

[selflove]

Hi Alwayswondering,
Your instincts tell you to wonder and doubt and I honestly advise you (since you asked for honest advice) to listen to those instincts. You are in for a rollercoaster of a ride and a whole host of behaviors that will affect your relationship and possibly your safety. How do I know? Because of personal experience and because of the medications you mention. Those are pretty powerful drugs, not prescribed lightly. I was dating someone who was also on them and unfortunately I stayed in the relationship much longer than 3 months. I can tell you the longer you wait the harder it will be to get yourself out of it. I was 19 at the time, (now 25) and a lot less mature than you, Iguess. I was also blown away my b/f ‘s sweetness and caring (and intelligence!) and I think there was an element of guilt too. It wasn’t his fault that he was mentally ill so I didn’t want to add insult to injury by leaving him. It took the help of a good therapist to convince me that it was for my own good to get out. And also it took some pretty scary behavior on his part to finally convince me. Don’t wait till that happens. (and I can almost guarantee that it will happen.) “Caringgirlfriend” commented that she asked her b/f if he was gonna hurt her. How can someone who is not totally in control of himself give a reliable answer to that???? He might not MEAN to hurt you but the nature of schizophrenia is unpredictable. I learned that almost too late.
Sorry to be rambling on so long but I just really relate to situation you’re in and wish someone advised me earlier about what to do. Speak to a professional and listen to advice that may not be what you wanna hear. (My friends told me to run way before my therapist did but I didn't wanna hear that.) Love yourself enough to protect yourself.
You will never have an equal, balanced relationship with this man. You will always be the caregiver – which you probably already know since you’re on this site.
Good luck and let us know what you decide.

[Peaches]

i have been with my boyfriend now for 7 yrs..he is schizophrenic and it is is hard.. but if your boyfriend keeps on the medication, stays away from the street drugs and alcohol he will do find. his schizophrenia may never get worse and then it could. No one can tell you what will happen.. do some research.. talk to him.. I think from what you have said here is that he has been open and honest with you.., the anxiety and paranoia he has will make him look shy..but that is the way he is..it will be okay...go with you heart but also do some reasearch,, NAMI.com is a good place to start ... then you can make a good decision on your own and now based on what others say

[alwayswondering]

thanks for everyone's advice. It's been almost 6 months now and things are going well. I do still worry about his illness though. So far, I still see no evidence of it, except for occassional anxiety and stuff, but I am right there with him on that so that is not a big deal to me. I don't know. I did find out that his father has it too, and has had it since he was a teenager and is now in his 70's. He led a very successful and productive life and after meeting him, I would have never, ever dreamed he has it. My boyfriend is also college educated, very good career, home-owner....just about everything you would want really. I still worry though, but I guess I just have to give it more time and hope that if something bad is going to manifest itself, it will show up before it's too late. I will keep everyone posted .

[Peaches]

After reading your post.. and the history about his father.. I would say that he will probably do good. he has your support and help. He is med complaint and has been honest with you. Why are you waiting for something bad to happen? My future brothe-in-law went for 12 yrs before he had problem and even then it was nothing major. He was just overly stressed by some investment changes he made and the stress made his have a small psychotic episode. He was in the hospital for 2 days and is now home and acting like nothing happened.\
His wife said he has a nervous breakdown he didn't he had a psychotic episode.. the 2 are totally different.
It sounds like your boyfriend has his schizophrenia under control is doing al lthe right things. The worst thing you can do is to worry about something bad happening.. live life to its fullest enjoy being with him and quit worrying about the ball that might not be dropped.. you are loosing out ..

peaches

quote="alwayswondering"]thanks for everyone's advice. It's been almost 6 months now and things are going well. I do still worry about his illness though. So far, I still see no evidence of it, except for occassional anxiety and stuff, but I am right there with him on that so that is not a big deal to me. I don't know. I did find out that his father has it too, and has had it since he was a teenager and is now in his 70's. He led a very successful and productive life and after meeting him, I would have never, ever dreamed he has it. My boyfriend is also college educated, very good career, home-owner....just about everything you would want really. I still worry though, but I guess I just have to give it more time and hope that if something bad is going to manifest itself, it will show up before it's too late. I will keep everyone posted .[/quote]

[alwayswondering]

well, it's not that I am necessarily "waiting" for something bad to happen, but I am aware of his illness and the possibility that he might not always handle it as well as he does now. But I also know that anyone can develop a mental illness at any point in time, but it's a little different going into a future with someone when you know they have this from the beginning. He has been honest with me and told me that he hopes he can always handle it as he does now, but he honestly does not know what the future will bring and that if he ever does have problems with it, and it gets too much for me to handle, he would not blame me for moving on. So I am just trying to be realistic about everthing and not look through rose colored glasses. I always hope for the best, but try to be prepared for the worst in any situation.

[Peaches]

Okay.. I have lived with my boyfriend going on for 7yrs. I was there in the beginning of his illness and it can get scary. .I know..it is good to be prepared for the worst. I am not saying be prepared isn't good..I apologize. I just read your post and it sound like you were just sitting and waiting for the worse to happen. No one can tell you if he coudl have a psychotic episode one day..not even the doctor. If it ever does happen.. be very prepared because when it happened to my boyfriend I thought I was prepared but I wasn't.. I blamed myself and I cried because I didn't know what was happening to him or what they were going to do. I pray that i never have to go through that again because it tore me apart...part of me wanted to run but my heart told me to stay because it was just one more hurdle that we had to cross..we made it .. but it was a long hard road..nothing is eay when dealing with someone with a mental illness...it is hard.. and no matter how prepared you think you are for something to happen.. you aren't

Peaches

[bonnie]

i am older. than you. my husband has schitzophrenia since he was 21. at my age i can deal with it, but if i were younger, i wouldnt take on the role as a caregiver. if you have children together they have a risk of having it also. ive been married to this man for 5 yrs. It is a roller coaster ride. his phyciatrist told him years ago , that he wouldnt ever have a normal relationship with a woman. and i can tell you from experience that it is so.. i guess it depends on if you are willing to sacrifice your life to taking care of your boyfrined. you wil spend the rest of your life being a caregiver.